Second verse, same as the first?

Sigh. Yesterday went completely off the rails. Unproductive, not satisfying in any way (personal, professional, practical, etc.), and just one of those days. A Jonah day, if you will. I was definitely swallowed by the whale yesterday.

It started out okay, but then I didn’t feel 100%, wasn’t hungry (sooo not like me) and had a continuation  of my annoying and frustrating evening before. I made an error over a month ago – sent an email to the wrong person – and didn’t find out until yesterday that I did so. I didn’t get the “big” stuff done on my to do list but spent time on the unsatisfying and frustrating things. I dropped a can of seltzer and it exploded on me. I dripped tea down my front. Blah blah blah – you get the point.

So, trying again today. Because…

I can feel it happening already. Every academic year, I get pulled into work (work that I really and truly love) and wind up working all week + most of the weekend. And every year, I resolve that I will set aside one day (or, really, let’s be real here – most of one day) to disconnect. And every year, I break that resolution.
It started yesterday with a (wonderful) meeting with my fabulous new project assistant, a student who has rocked an independent study with me this summer. As I reviewed the projects I have in process, the goals I have for the year, I realized that, well, it’s a lot. It’s always a lot. I am a much better person when I am busy, not bored.

But. But. But.

I think – I hope? – I am learning that a bit of time away, even part of a day, is a necessary rest for my brain and body. That it makes me more productive in the long run, that it helps me refocus and actually do my job better. I know this is a hot topic these days, so if anyone is reading this, you’re probably thinking, well, duh.

But I’m a slow learner, at least on this topic. So I’m trying to figure out a way to force myself to succeed.

I’m working on learning about my not-so-new home state – beyond where I live my life. So I’m finding places that are 1-2 hours away that I have wanted to explore, but… I’ve been waiting for something? I don’t even know what. I’m starting my list today – nothing like accountability! – and I plan to try to check off at least one a month, hopefully two. The other weekends? Well, I plan to get out in the local community and find places that are “mine”. Not just Target (because let’s get real, Target is everyone’s place these days… plus it’s literally across the street) and not the grocery store or gym or other mundane everyday places. No, I’m talking about a weekend coffeeshop where I can get a treat. Or a restaurant that becomes an “old” favorite.

Here’s hoping that having a plan to unplug and restart a bit will help me actually achieve all of those lofty goals…that this year is different, in a good way.

I know, quite the shift in topic, right?

But yesterday I really started dreading a meeting today.

For no good reason, really. It’s a meeting to review my plan for my next study proposal. It’s with a senior faculty member. And it means that it’ll be an hour of defending my ideas, trying to improve how I present them, and tearing apart what I have written this summer.

It’s completely necessary. It’s what I have experienced so many times in the last 15 years, as I’ve shifted into research and academia.

And yet, I still dread that hour. I know it will be fine. I know the whole idea is to improve how I present what I want to do so that the funding agency will buy into it. But it’s still hard to sit and listen to your writing and ideas be criticized.

But if I don’t do this? I don’t grow. I don’t learn. And learning is a lifelong process. Figuring out how to craft an argument so that knowledgeable non-experts can understand what I plan to do is critical. And this person knows my work but isn’t directly involved in it- the perfect reviewer.

I just have to remind myself that this is a huge opportunity for growth, for improving my chances of success, for finally getting one step closer to actually doing the study that I desperately want to do.

Here’s to a mind shift in the next, oh, 5 hours or so. 😉

Now, I am not by ANY means a genius. I’m not trying to imply that. But really, this quote makes a good point. I will never improve – even one teeny tiny step – if I don’t listen and respond to the criticism.

So deep breaths this morning. Work on a few other things. Putting down some ideas from a meeting yesterday on the same topic (which I think is what led to me dreading today’s meeting, now that I think about it). Being ready for the conversation. And knowing what I want to do, why it’s important. I can do that. I WILL do that.