I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life right now, about how different it is from “normal” life. I have a more pessimistic view than most, and I know this virus is going to be with us, and affecting what we can do, and how we can do it, for a long time to come. I get quite frustrated with those who persist in saying that “we’ve beaten it” and it’s time to just go back to how it was before. That will just get us into a deeper mess in the near future.

So I am choosing – no matter what happens in my state – to continue to live, for the most part, while distancing myself from as many people as possible. To continue to live this new, modified, sometimes surprising, life.

I haven’t had a lot of changes, like some. I don’t have kids. I don’t have anyone else in my space. I don’t even have a goldfish to worry about. I am (currently) employed, and working more than full time from home. I like my home, I like my routine, and honestly? Not much about that has been disrupted. And, for those things that have changed, I’ve adapted.

But there are some new things that I really like.
Frequent check ins with my nuclear family.
Checking in with a core group of fellow younger faculty members.
Texting with more than a few coworkers.
Having the opportunity to cook more during the day, and even (gasp) slightly shift what I eat.
Exercising differently.

I’ve realized that my life has become even simpler than it was before. And I like it. I’m finding some time to get rid of old papers, old baggage from my previous life. I’d been simplifying, but it seems to have accelerated a bit.

I’ve always loved the song, Simple Gifts. I never really paid attention to the lyrics (other than the first two lines) until today, when I listened to the unbelievably beautiful voice of Allison Krauss… who sang while Yo Yo Ma played the cello. Seriously, if you get a chance, check it out on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aQXvbjfAGE).

And this time, I looked up the lyrics…

There is a concept I have always liked, although I’ve never studied it.

Tolerance for ambiguity.

Just the phrase makes it, well, unambiguous. Tolerance for ambiguity is an individual’s ability to tolerate ambiguous circumstances or situations. What’s interesting to me is how much people can vary on this characteristic. That’s from someone who, let’s just say, has NO tolerance for ambiguity.

I’ve actually done the measurement scale for this (as I have considered using it in studies and still am…) and found that I have very little tolerance for ambiguity or uncertainty.

This is not at all surprising. I’m not a black and white thinker – believe me, I know that the world is full of shades of gray – but I also know that when I am given the choice, I prefer to at least know what’s going to happen, vs. not having a clue.

I’m sure you can imagine how well I’m dealing with the current global pandemic. To say that we are living in uncertain and ambiguous times is one of the understatements of the year. Not only is there great uncertainty regarding how the virus will affect us in the coming months and years, but we are all dealing with a crazy amount of uncertainty in our daily lives.

For me, everywhere I turn, it seems like I’m faced with more uncertainty and ambiguity. My relationship. My job. My health. My ability to obtain the food that I need and want. Heck, even the weather here in the upper Midwest has been all over the place (60s in March! 20s in April! Gah!).

I’m trying. I’m trying to get through the best way I know – through routine, focus, moving forward even though I may not know where the path will lead. (Let’s get real – I have NO IDEA where the path will lead…)

But some days are harder than others. And that’s when I go down the rabbit hole of spiraling thoughts, and a brain that won’t turn off, and lack of sleep, and limited productivity. Those are the days I just want to toss it all out the window. But instead, I turn back to routine, to the familiar. It’s a source of comfort right now. I know that more information, decisions, ideas, will come eventually. What drives me bonkers is not knowing when that will happen.

So I sit with the ambiguity, rely on my habits and routines, and tell myself that someday I will know how all of these things turn out.

It’s just not going to be today.

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

I’ve noticed recently that I am encountering serendipitous situations, or books, or quotes, or… well, any number of things, at just the right time. I’m not saying this well – but I do think that the universe puts what we need at any given moment in front of us – but it is up to us to recognize it, to use it or engage with it or read it or … well, whatever one should do with whatever it is.

I don’t know if serendipity is the right term, but it seems kind of appropriate? This came to mind yesterday when I flew through the last section of “Man’s Search for Meaning”, an unbelievably powerful book that I have somehow never read before.

You know when you’re reading a book and you find yourself wanting to underline or highlight or quote every page?

That. It was that kind of engagement with a book. The kind where you gasp out loud (at least I do!) and say to yourself, yes, THAT.

I’ve tried to find a quote that aligns with this … perspective? this happening? this occurrence? And I can’t come up with one. I can’t come up with a word, either, other than serendipity (as is apparent from this post). But it’s such a powerful force in my life right now that I can’t help but recognize it, and call it out, and really, truly savor it. I don’t know if it’s the forced isolation, or the many changes in our daily lives in the last month, but… well, whatever it is, somehow what I need at any given time is there for the taking, if I only know enough to recognize it.

The best option came from a book I haven’t yet read (but perhaps I should…):

“The right book exactly, at exactly the right time.” ― Robin Sloan, Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore  

Going back to another old favorite for comfort in what are unsettling, uncertain times…

per aspera ad astra (~through adversity to the stars)

This has been a favorite quote of mine since I first heard it a year or so ago. It can mean so many things, in so many different contexts, but it seems particularly relevant now.

I didn’t have a great week last week. I was worried about students, about my own health and that of my family members, about my current relationship and the ever spinning question of what to do, and how to move forward, and if that is even the best choice.

Sigh.

It wasn’t a fun week.

Fortunately, things are looking up this week, despite the weather (you have to love the upper Midwest in the “spring”… yesterday we had 34, winds up to 20 mph, and snow showers… just as a reminder, it IS mid-April!). Taking action on many of these things (well, not the relationship one, I’m still struggling with that…) helped a lot.

And this quote, arriving in my inbox on Monday, reminded me that no matter what adversity we face, individually or collectively, we will get through. The stars will shine. Life goes on. Going through adversity, difficult times, challenging periods in our lives? We all have that. But those times pass, and that’s what I was forgetting last week. I was mired in a never ending cycle of negativity.

Fortunately, I made it out of that, and am starting to see the stars again. I hope they are out, or come out soon, for you, too.