I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions and I’m not sure, sometimes, which is the right one for me. 

One way is familiar, well-traveled, and in many ways frustrating. 

The other way is unknown, a bit frightening, and full of possibility. 

I desperately want to follow the second way, but am feeling pulled back to the easy, familiar, well-worn path of the first. 

I know that I can change my destination – but when that involves getting other people on board, who aren’t willing to do that, what can I do? Act on my own? Delay making changes that I want – I think I need – in my life? 

I think this gets harder the older I get – the more entrenched my habits and routines are. The more well-worn that path is. 

Denial certainly isn’t working. 

There isn’t a neat and tidy end to this post… there’s simply the ambiguity and the challenge of being stuck between two options, and not yet being able (or, perhaps, willing?) to make a choice… 

I consider myself a pretty focused person. But man, there are times when I just go down the rabbit hole –  sometimes for personal stuff, sometimes for work stuff – and just can’t dig myself out. And then I look up and 20 minutes has gone by and… whoops. 

Which means that the undone things on my to-do list are, well, mostly undone thanks to my own ability to distract myself.

To be fair, this doesn’t happen often. And when it’s related to work, it usually leads to some benefit – unearthing a good article for my research, or finding a new resource for a class. 

But other times? It’s just a time suck. I’d like to be better about staying OUT of said rabbit hole. Perhaps I should make my word of the year next year “Focus”? Or, hm. I kind of like “Determination”. I am determined to make changes in my personal life (definitely) and in my path in my professional life (not changing the path, just determined that I will succeed). 

Determination. Focus. Rabbit holes, begone. 

(Can you tell I just spent time down one?)

I find myself torn between seeking new paths and new directions, and wanting the comfort and familiarity of the well-worn paths I’ve used my whole adult life. 

I’m pretty sure this is an experience shared by many. How challenging it is to seek a new way of being, of doing… a new path through life that perhaps wasn’t anticipated, yet it beckons. Promises of new perspectives, new places, new ideas… 

How does one follow a new path while remaining connected to the old? Perhaps intersecting with old paths periodically… crossing over, and spending a short time reconnecting to the path where it all started? Then continuing on, taking the reassurance of the familiar with us into a different future…

I am a questioner by nature. I don’t know if I align with Gretchen Rubin’s definition of questioners, but it is how I live my life. It’s how I make my living as a researcher. Question everything. Don’t be afraid to buck the trends, to pursue paths that others deem closed. 

And yet. I hate uncertainty in my life with a passion. I prefer things to be the way I want them (ha, if you haven’t figured that out by now…). I have routines, habits that I live by. Breaking them and changing them is one of the biggest challenges in my life. 

I have major issues with uncertainty in relationships. I prefer that people come out and say why they’re mad at me, or what their issues are. Just be straightforward – it saves so much time! 

So… I seek stability in my daily life, yet I make my living by asking questions, by trying to subvert the dominant paradigm. 

I’m comfortable with this dichotomy, even as it continues to puzzle me. Perhaps these two halves of me balance each other out? The yin and the yang…? 

On to question for another day at work… and then to go home and fall into my comfortable afternoon and evening routine. Just another day in the life of a paradox. 

I’m trying to be more okay with uncertainty. With not knowing how every little thing will turn out every day. Trying, really, to be less regimented, more open to what comes. 

It’s hard. It’s really hard for someone who is a creature of habit, of routine. But I am still trying – I figure that counts for something, right? 

It’s harder when it’s uncertainty in relationships, in the bigger “life” stuff, vs. just the day to day choices that I make. I’m more okay with making those at the last minute, or changing my mind. After all, it only affects me. 

But the bigger stuff? There are others involved – not just me. And in many cases, they are the source of the uncertainty. People are so, well, unpredictable. I like predictability – certainty – knowing how people will act, what they will choose to do. 

But I also know that I cannot dictate what others do, the choices they make, even when they involve me. 

I’m trying to be okay with the idea of just knowing that there are angels, and they dance.