Good grief. I have been wallowing in how terrible I feel with this ongoing health issue, how much it’s limited me, what I can’t do, blah blah blah.

And I am tired of myself. So the pity party is ending today. Yes, my foot still hurts. Yes, I’m still being treated. That doesn’t mean I’m helpless or hopeless. (I hope!)

One thing I have always had pride in is my ability to just deal with all the crap that happens and move on. Roadblocks and hurdles happen to everyone – I am not special because I am dealing with this, trust me. And others have it a whole lot worse.

Time to suck it up and move on. It will get better. Just because I’m not 100% right now doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do what I CAN. I can’t go to the gym. Fine. I can stretch and do sit-to-stands on a chair to regain some of my lost muscle mass. (And it’s a lot – that’s what triggered this this morning – realizing just how much muscle and fitness I have lost over the last 3+ weeks…sigh) I can do that morning and evening. There is nothing that says I can’t stretch or stand up, right? And eventually, I will get back to the gym, and I will build that muscle back up. My stamina is starting to come back – thanks to my appetite being back, too.

So, time to get over myself. Time to end the pity party. Moving on.

I hit the jackpot in the parent lottery. I really did.
Despite our disparate political beliefs and disagreements when I was growing up, they are my rocks.
They support, love, and listen to me no matter what. They suggest things but never say “you have to”. They meet me where I am – literally and figuratively. They let me do and be who I wanted to be.

And this week I was reminded just how much I love them, how much they love me, and how lucky I am.

Without too much detail, this month has sucked. Including medical issues. They were worried.
So they came here. For 48 hours. To worry about me in person. To reassure themselves that I am really going to be okay.

I cannot express how wonderful it was to see them at the lobby door yesterday.

I know I am loved, and I know I am so lucky. I do not take this for granted. I cherish every moment with them – even when we annoy each other.

Parents. I couldn’t stand them when I was 13. Now I don’t know if I could stand without them.

I know I used this one before – although it was months ago, and it’s not like anyone out there is keeping track (at least, I don’t think anyone is!).

And yes, it’s definitely appropriate for this October. As a side note, Octobers seem to hate me. I don’t know what it is but this month has it in for me. Seriously.

Seven years ago, it was two emergency surgeries and a long road of IV antibiotics.

This year, well, it’s a whole slew of things. Sigh. My father’s going through medical stuff. I think I might be starting to give up on a long-term relationship. And now I’m dealing with a recurrent infection that has made me completely inactive for nearly 2 weeks (I am going nuts with this) and on different antibiotics, etc.

Oh, and I had a grant due.

But November starts Friday. And honestly, I’m looking forward to it. A new month, a fresh start. Hoping to feel more like myself as the month shifts and the seasons do, as well. (Let’s just say we have skipped fall here and moved straight from summer to winter… as in, it snowed last night… it’s October 29th, in case you were wondering.)

So, truly, through adversity to the stars. I guess I need these down times to remind me of how good the other times are? At least, I hope that’s the lesson.

Onward. Upward – I hope. Time to leave this month behind and start anew.

So, remember when I wrote about Dread?
Yeah, we’re back there again.

I am getting ready to submit this damn proposal. It’s something I need and want to do – but it is such a challenging and vulnerable process.

Yes, I said vulnerable.
I have drunk the Kool Aid, and yes, I am a Brene Brown devotee.

I know I need to be vulnerable with this, but it is so hard sometimes, putting myself out there for criticism, time and time again. I know that it makes me stronger, it makes my science better, and it (usually) turns out better than anticipated.

But oh, it is still so hard. I live in fear that I will send something out for review and that the feedback I receive will boil down to “This is a hot mess” or, “Why on earth did you think that you could do this and succeed?”

Sigh.

It’s hard. It’s tiring. And it really does a number on your self-esteem and self-worth, if you let it.

So I am trying to remind myself that with vulnerability comes growth. And growth and change are absolutely vital to my success as a scholar.

Here’s hoping that the proposal is not viewed as a hot mess. I’ll just go for constructive feedback at this point.