I know, quite the shift in topic, right?

But yesterday I really started dreading a meeting today.

For no good reason, really. It’s a meeting to review my plan for my next study proposal. It’s with a senior faculty member. And it means that it’ll be an hour of defending my ideas, trying to improve how I present them, and tearing apart what I have written this summer.

It’s completely necessary. It’s what I have experienced so many times in the last 15 years, as I’ve shifted into research and academia.

And yet, I still dread that hour. I know it will be fine. I know the whole idea is to improve how I present what I want to do so that the funding agency will buy into it. But it’s still hard to sit and listen to your writing and ideas be criticized.

But if I don’t do this? I don’t grow. I don’t learn. And learning is a lifelong process. Figuring out how to craft an argument so that knowledgeable non-experts can understand what I plan to do is critical. And this person knows my work but isn’t directly involved in it- the perfect reviewer.

I just have to remind myself that this is a huge opportunity for growth, for improving my chances of success, for finally getting one step closer to actually doing the study that I desperately want to do.

Here’s to a mind shift in the next, oh, 5 hours or so. 😉

Now, I am not by ANY means a genius. I’m not trying to imply that. But really, this quote makes a good point. I will never improve – even one teeny tiny step – if I don’t listen and respond to the criticism.

So deep breaths this morning. Work on a few other things. Putting down some ideas from a meeting yesterday on the same topic (which I think is what led to me dreading today’s meeting, now that I think about it). Being ready for the conversation. And knowing what I want to do, why it’s important. I can do that. I WILL do that.

We just finished a family vacation.
In the woods.
With 8 people (including 2 teens-almost-adults) who often have their differences. And I’m being charitable here.

My conclusion after our week of togetherness: Families are messy. And I would not change mine for the world.

But it is astonishing how quickly we revert into old patterns, interactions that mirror those from earlier in our lives.

Yet we all survived. I think we all enjoyed ourselves… with the possible exception of my spouse. (more on that later in the week, I am still processing that one and know I will need to do some writing here to help me do that…this trip really reminded me of how different we are, and raised still more questions about our long-term compatibility and whether we have grown into two very different people…)

I, personally, loved it. We were in one of my top 3 or 4 favorite places on earth.
And yet, that also made me feel responsible for making sure everyone else loved it, as well.
Even when it was clear that they were not as enamored of it as I was.
I also felt responsible for “duds”, which happened a few times on this trip.
So that made it a bit stressful.

But oh, oh the times of solitude I was able to enjoy.
The awe I felt – as always – when I came upon one of my old favorites, or a new one, and remembered why I love this place and others like it.

It was rejuvenating but stressful.
Fun but also challenging.
Relaxing but tiring.

In short, it was everything that family vacations are supposed to be. I would not have changed it for the world.

And now? Back to the real world, yet again. Easier this time than last…but still challenging. I’m working on regaining my equilibrium and, quite honestly, enjoying the silence and solitude of my everyday life. Introvert heaven.

But I carry with me more memories of a place that will always, always have my heart. Remembering the awe-inspiring views, and hoping to capture more of those moments in my everyday life. Remembering to look up and out, and not always at the computer screen or the book page. Taking deep breaths. Challenging myself physically and (remember, family trip) emotionally. Learning still more about who I am, what I want, and what I love. Bringing those pieces back into my everyday life… while anticipating the next escape to another favorite place.

Such an odd combo, I know.

I’ve been so discombobulated all week. Seriously askew in my life and routine. Tired. Fried. Yet anxious about taking another week off.

And so I know that to recombobulate, focusing on my gratitude and joys of the week will help.

So here goes.. a few things I am grateful for, and that brought me joy.

1. Three herons walked across the street to work yesterday. No, seriously. I had to stop and take a photo. It was unreal. I’m sure they were just off on an adventure, but it made me smile.

2. My office was warm for the first time in a long, long time.

3. We got upgraded for our flight tomorrow.

4. I ran the longest I have in a long time on Wednesday, and it felt so good. I was finally in the zone.

5. I get to see my niece and nephew tomorrow. It’s always too long, and then they grow and change and I desperately want them to still love Dora, but I also love the adults they are becoming.

6. Good feedback on my grant draft so far. Yay.

7. New babies.

8. A clean bathroom.

9. Sunshine and lovely midsummer weather.

10. Meetings with students. They are seriously awesome.

11. New hiking shoes that I kind of love. They’re springy. It’s so fun to walk in them!

12. Getting pulled into a new book.

The best sign in the Milwaukee Airport. ☺

A self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living.
~ Virginia Woolf 

I tend to think of myself as someone who does not change. And yet, looking back, I have certainly changed over time. 

It’s a constant reminder that who I am now, where I am now, is only temporary as well. I will not be the same person in the future as I am now. I actually enjoy trying to project myself into my as-yet-unknown future, although admittedly my conclusions are … usually not correct. 

I would not have predicted that I would do and enjoy something new and creative this past weekend. That is not who I have been, nor is it who I aspire to be. I have never claimed to be creative – or artistic, a term that often overlaps (at least in my mind) with creativity. I have made it a self-deprecating joke to say that I don’t have a creative bone in my body, and I leave the creating to the true artists. 

And yet, I did something creative this weekend. 
And I enjoyed it. 

I actually painted for the first time since… well, since art class, maybe, in middle school? I think? Let’s just say that art classes were not on my schedule from there on out. See above – not creative! 

But a coworker emailed about a paint-your-pet-and-sip event at a local winery, and three of us joined her to, well, paint our pets. And sip wine. For three hours on a Sunday afternoon. 

Let’s pause here, because this is not something I would typically be doing on a Sunday afternoon. I usually work through the weekend unless I am on vacation or taking a rare break. And painting would not have been my first choice for an alternative! 

But I went. I enjoyed it. And, dare I say, I was pretty proud of my creation. I’m not going to share it here – come on, really? did you honestly expect that? But it’s not hideous. 

It was an immersive activity, one that did not require that I have my face in front of a screen for hours on end. I really couldn’t think much beyond what color to mix, how to make it look a bit more realistic, and whether I was being true to the image I was working from. That concentration on something other – that immersion in something new and different – let my mind truly relax. I slept like a baby Sunday night (although the wine may have had something to do with that, too). 

It was a reminder to me that stepping outside my comfort zone isn’t always a bad thing. And it doesn’t always have to be permanent, or a really fraught decision. Sometimes, you can just do something fun. Just because. 

So I guess I’ll go on changing in ways expected and not. It’s such an adventure to see what lies ahead… as yet unknowns unfolding in ways I can’t anticipate.