Left turns and changing direction…

August 19, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

Life is nothing but moments, and every moment is nothing but another culmination of the universe’s incalculable ripples. Out where we can’t see, they’re crossing and merging, bringing toward us new forms and experiences that are almost perfectly unpredictable. ~ David Cain, raptitude.com

So the Universe (or whatever’s out there) has been sending me this message loud and clear recently.

I am where I am because of a series of events. Some I was able to influence – taking a particular job, or choosing a PhD program, for example. But others – many, many others – were not under my control. As much as I like to think I can influence what other people do and say, I really can’t. And what those other people do and say will – and does – affect my life in ways big and small.

I am where I am because I choose to be here. But my life is oh so different from how I thought it would end up. So very, very different.

This has really been in the forefront of my mind recently regarding my personal relationships and especially my marriage. I am not going to get into the gory details, but it’s not what I thought it would be at this point in my life. I’m not sure it is what I want it to be. I’m not sure it’s the best relationship for who I am now. I know that it was the best many years ago when we got married. But the people we are now and the people we were then have evolved and changed in so many ways over the years. And in the process, I am just not sure that we’ve grown in the same direction.

I cannot believe I am even thinking this. I thought marriage was forever. I knew it was not – that reality often bumped up against fantasy and the bright glow of a newer relationship. But I did not think this would happen to me.

I don’t know what will happen, but the uncertainty and the constant questioning and the circular thinking my (overactive) brain engages in is tiring. I know I’ll have to address it soon, but not yet. Not just yet. I’m not sure I want to throw that stone in the pond, to generate ripples that will affect not only my life but the lives of many others I love.

But to think and write about it helps. To process and ponder and think about what life would be like if… and to know that even as I think about that, my projections are going to wholly inaccurate because I cannot predict what other ripples and choices will intersect with mine to shift – yet again – this life that I live.

What a Monday post. Whew. Onward. Upward.

So… let’s try that again…

August 16, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

Second verse, same as the first?

Sigh. Yesterday went completely off the rails. Unproductive, not satisfying in any way (personal, professional, practical, etc.), and just one of those days. A Jonah day, if you will. I was definitely swallowed by the whale yesterday.

It started out okay, but then I didn’t feel 100%, wasn’t hungry (sooo not like me) and had a continuation of my annoying and frustrating evening before. I made an error over a month ago – sent an email to the wrong person – and didn’t find out until yesterday that I did so. I didn’t get the “big” stuff done on my to do list but spent time on the unsatisfying and frustrating things. I dropped a can of seltzer and it exploded on me. I dripped tea down my front. Blah blah blah – you get the point.

So, trying again today. Because…

Image result for after all tomorrow is another day

The slippery slope…

August 15, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

I can feel it happening already. Every academic year, I get pulled into work (work that I really and truly love) and wind up working all week + most of the weekend. And every year, I resolve that I will set aside one day (or, really, let’s be real here – most of one day) to disconnect. And every year, I break that resolution.
It started yesterday with a (wonderful) meeting with my fabulous new project assistant, a student who has rocked an independent study with me this summer. As I reviewed the projects I have in process, the goals I have for the year, I realized that, well, it’s a lot. It’s always a lot. I am a much better person when I am busy, not bored.

But. But. But.

I think – I hope? – I am learning that a bit of time away, even part of a day, is a necessary rest for my brain and body. That it makes me more productive in the long run, that it helps me refocus and actually do my job better. I know this is a hot topic these days, so if anyone is reading this, you’re probably thinking, well, duh.

But I’m a slow learner, at least on this topic. So I’m trying to figure out a way to force myself to succeed.

I’m working on learning about my not-so-new home state – beyond where I live my life. So I’m finding places that are 1-2 hours away that I have wanted to explore, but… I’ve been waiting for something? I don’t even know what. I’m starting my list today – nothing like accountability! – and I plan to try to check off at least one a month, hopefully two. The other weekends? Well, I plan to get out in the local community and find places that are “mine”. Not just Target (because let’s get real, Target is everyone’s place these days… plus it’s literally across the street) and not the grocery store or gym or other mundane everyday places. No, I’m talking about a weekend coffeeshop where I can get a treat. Or a restaurant that becomes an “old” favorite.

Here’s hoping that having a plan to unplug and restart a bit will help me actually achieve all of those lofty goals…that this year is different, in a good way.

About that dread…

August 14, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

Let’s just say it didn’t go the way I thought it would.

It went SO well. I got good, constructive, helpful feedback. I got positive comments. I learned a few things. And I had a good conversation – a constructive, helpful, conversation – with someone who is becoming a mentor for me.

Why I do this- why I waste time worrying – is something I don’t think I will ever fully understand. I am an anxious person. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and what might be.

And yet.

I need to learn to live more in the now. To know that things will happen, but it will all be okay in the end. I have made it this far – there is nothing to suggest that I will not continue to make it! I’m stubborn, driven, and persistent. I’m passionate about what I do. And I will get there.

The deep breaths helped. The worrying did not. And I had a really good day.

Serves me right. Ha.

Dread

August 13, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

I know, quite the shift in topic, right?

But yesterday I really started dreading a meeting today.

For no good reason, really. It’s a meeting to review my plan for my next study proposal. It’s with a senior faculty member. And it means that it’ll be an hour of defending my ideas, trying to improve how I present them, and tearing apart what I have written this summer.

It’s completely necessary. It’s what I have experienced so many times in the last 15 years, as I’ve shifted into research and academia.

And yet, I still dread that hour. I know it will be fine. I know the whole idea is to improve how I present what I want to do so that the funding agency will buy into it. But it’s still hard to sit and listen to your writing and ideas be criticized.

But if I don’t do this? I don’t grow. I don’t learn. And learning is a lifelong process. Figuring out how to craft an argument so that knowledgeable non-experts can understand what I plan to do is critical. And this person knows my work but isn’t directly involved in it- the perfect reviewer.

I just have to remind myself that this is a huge opportunity for growth, for improving my chances of success, for finally getting one step closer to actually doing the study that I desperately want to do.

Here’s to a mind shift in the next, oh, 5 hours or so. 😉

The dread of criticism is the death of genius. - William Gilmore Simms Quote

Now, I am not by ANY means a genius. I’m not trying to imply that. But really, this quote makes a good point. I will never improve – even one teeny tiny step – if I don’t listen and respond to the criticism.

So deep breaths this morning. Work on a few other things. Putting down some ideas from a meeting yesterday on the same topic (which I think is what led to me dreading today’s meeting, now that I think about it). Being ready for the conversation. And knowing what I want to do, why it’s important. I can do that. I WILL do that.