Well, yes, of course I spoke too soon with my triumphant post on breaking the looking-at-the-activity-app-all-the-time habit.

I didn’t really think it would be that easy. Turns out that temptation can be strong, and, of course, ingrained habits can be even stronger. Combine temptation with habits, and… let’s just say that I backslid quite a bit yesterday.

But! I am hoping today is a better day. More meetings, more distractions. Hoping not to be where I was earlier in the week, not yesterday.

Spring has (finally) sprung here, bringing with it sneezes and sniffles and glorious-looking evenings that tempt me outside… if not for the fact that I am usually in my pj’s by 7 pm. I go to bed very early and get up very early, which means that I never miss a sunrise (no, really, I don’t think I’ve missed one for years now) but I do tend to miss that golden light in the evenings. It’s such a glorious and short-lived time of year here (in Wisconsin) and I try to soak up as much of it as I can to hold me through the colder, darker months. Those are good in their own way, but what they don’t have is a lot of light.

I find that as I get older I am even more appreciative of how privileged I am to live in a place with seasons, and that I have the resources to enjoy them all. I know that’s not the case for so many people, and I try very hard not to dread or complain about any one season. This winter made that a bit difficult, but I persevered. I know how lucky I am…. and being grateful and thankful for that does help when it’s -20 with a wind chill of -40. 😉

Which brings me to one, final, larger point (finally, sorry). I was kind of slapped in the face earlier in the week with a recitation of how privileged I have been in my life – my parents were not indulgent, but we did not want for anything. My education was paid for. I was “launched”, if you will (I kind of hate that term, but go with me here), with all the support and love and help that I could ask for. And I like to think that is what has helped me to focus more on those who have less, who are less privileged and less fortunate. In my work, in my life in general, in my politics, etc. The person who made the initial comment to me thought it would / should have shifted me the other way – that is, preserving my privilege and restricting it to those “like me”…but to me, it makes more sense that because I had those advantages I want others to have similar opportunities. Helping others… seeing them rise despite (or perhaps in a way because of) their adversities in life… it brings me so much joy if I can give them a bit of a boost along the way. Yes, I am lucky. No, others are not. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do everything in my power to help them get where they want to be…

And that doesn’t really tie things up neatly either, so I’ll just end this way – I am grateful for the life I lead. It’s a darn good one. And if I can help others have a good life? all the better, in my opinion. Now, off to save the world. Ha.

Dreams come true…the only variable is when.
~ my “Note from the Universe” yesterday

Now, I know that these are not unique to me. I know that everyone else getting these is figuring out how they apply to their own lives, and hopefully having some insights as a result.

This one really spoke to me yesterday. Because I’ve been thinking about long and winding roads, and how I got where I am today, and whether I would be the same person, with the same drive and focus, if I had not traveled the way I did.

I won’t get into details, but suffice to say my professional life trajectory did not unfold the way I thought it would.

I was on the straight, narrow, and fast path. I thought I’d go up for tenure early! and then, derailed. By health issues. By mental health issues (I can say that now). By self-doubt and self-criticism and not standing up for myself. By running when I should have stood firm and faced what I needed to in order to get where I wanted to be.

But where I wanted to be wasn’t the right destination for me.

I needed to leave the place where I thought I’d be forever, to find the place where I think I belong.

Maybe I wouldn’t have chosen this road. But in hindsight, I think it worked out pretty well. 😉

I was going to title this “Things that I suck at” but I just couldn’t get beyond my mother’s voice in my head, yelling at me for using “suck” in public. So “stink” it is! You’re welcome, mom.

I am really, really awful at 2 things. They’re related, of course:

1. Resting
2. Giving myself grace

Resting. I’m awful at it. I think that if I’m not go-go-going all the time, then the world will somehow stop spinning. That by my activity and accomplishments, I somehow keep things going.

It’s a very egotistical view of the world, honestly. Nothing is going to happen if I just stop for an hour, a few hours, even a day.

Taking time, taking rest, is really good for the soul and body. I know this, intellectually. But man, I really really stink at it!

Related? I’m horrible at giving myself grace. Forgiving myself. Not beating myself up for my (perceived) shortcomings. I used to actually yell – out loud – at myself for being an idiot. Usually with some more, um, colorful words thrown in.

I’ve gotten better at that, thank goodness. But I still beat myself up. A lot. Internally, and quietly, and it’s definitely not as bad as it was. But for some reason, I just *have* to hold myself to a higher standard. I’m doing really well at giving others grace – at reminding them that they do not need to apologize for being human, for the most part – but I seriously lack the ability to do this for myself.

Today my body reminded me that physical rest can be really important. I work out nearly every day. I only take one “lighter” day and still do a ton of cardio that day. I know that this is not healthy for my mind and body – but I need to move everyday or I cannot focus. That said, I could certainly do more gentle movement a few days a week.

But it’s like I’m in competition with myself. And when I step back, and then compare what I did this week with what I did last week, when I did not step back, that’s when I start the above process of, um, not giving myself grace.

Today I just felt off and woke up at 1 am (early even for me). Stomach cramps and just not feeling right. I slept an extra 45 minutes, did a little less at the gym, and now, of course, feel like I did not do “enough”.

I’m going to try to give myself grace today but it can be really hard. Here’s hoping I make some progress. Because I know my body was trying to tell me something. Maybe it’s time to listen.

I don’t usually talk about my daily life here on this blog, but… well, maybe it’s time to turn over a new leaf / open a door / share a smidge? I just lead such a, well, boring and routine life. No kids. No dog. I live alone, separately from my spouse, most of the time. It’s weird, compared to a lot of other peoples’ lives, but it works for me, and for us, and so I continue on.

Let’s just say I’ve been a really bad sleeper in the last few years. I’m not sure whether it’s because I have autoimmune conditions, or because I’ve had some significant anxiety and other issues, like, well, lots of upheaval (moving, job stuff, things you really don’t want to know about…).

And I was coming here to brag this morning about how well I’ve been sleeping – weirdly -for the last 3 nights, and how unexpected and how lovely this development was, and how much energy I’ve had, and blah blah blah. 

And even though I slept really well last night, again, I just feel like garbage today.

It was an annoying morning at the gym – equipment not working correctly, TV connection was spotty, I felt like crap on my run.

It’s supposed to be rainy and cloudy all day.

I’m struggling with my grant writing.

I have to have a budget meeting for said grant this morning, and I really don’t wanna.

So instead of bragging, here I am,  um, whining? Gee, welcome! I’m so glad you’re here (as you sprint out of my blog space…).

Time for a shift in perspective, I guess. If I’m going to say in yesterday’s post about how well I’m doing with those, then it’s time to live up to that! My day can only get better from here. I’m hydrating (I think I might be dehydrated for some reason?). Reviewing the budget so I can be sure that I know what we want to keep and what to drop. Reminding myself to be ruthless in editing my grant.

I can do hard things. This stuff is not nearly as hard as what a lot of people deal with on a daily basis.

Time to suck it up. Time to start this day again.