Ever feel like you just want to tell yourself to just get over it?

I’m in a mood today – feeling sorry for myself, pathetic, and like a waste of space. I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done this week, that I’m a failure in my personal and professional life, and I’m kind of wondering why the hell should I bother?

I try to remember that I love what I do.

I generally love my life.

Things are actually pretty good.

But sometimes, you just want to wallow. Until you get sick of yourself. I’m kind of getting to the “sick of myself” stage now, but might need a few more hours of “wallowing in my self-pity”.

I know that when I ask for engagement and feedback and others, that (shocker!) they will give me feedback. I know that there will be questions, and challenges, and ideas that I had not considered. And I know that at least some of that will be helpful and will help make whatever I am working on better.

But sometimes? Sometimes you just want someone to say, “Wow, this is awesome!” Granted, that might not get you that far, particularly if whatever-it-is isn’t that awesome.

Not to mention, I won’t get what I want in my life if I don’t challenge myself.

So a couple more hours of wallowing. Hopefully a more productive day. And a bit of an attitude shift.

I am sure it’s clear by now that I don’t tolerate uncertainty well.
And these next few weeks are going to challenge me.

This week – first week back in school – is a busy one. I won’t be able to work at home one day, as I typically do. That’s usually when I clean, and do the grocery shopping, since I don’t have to commute.

This week, I’ll be here every day. I know, normal for most people, but not for my routine. And I kind of live and die by it.

So I have been obsessing over when I will do what. What day will I clean? When will I shop? Should I do some one day and some the next?

It’s exhausting. It doesn’t achieve anything. What would be better is to just make a decision based on my schedule and go forward. For some reason this is never my first course of action.

So today I am planning to actually take steps to figure out what I will do each day.
I have other things I need to worry about – time to take this off my mental list.

I frustrate myself sometimes, with this intolerance for ambiguity and change. I know that’s how I am wired, but it doesn’t make me like it any more.

Time to review the calendar and make some actual decisions. Sheesh.

Today is my birthday.
And for the last … many … birthdays this is the mantra I have used to start “my” new year:

To me, it epitomizes how I want to start my birthday each year. I begin as I mean to go on. I don’t make the day very “special” – I have never been one for parties or celebrations. (Oh, the time I had a surprise party that everyone thought I would love. It was… torture. I really dislike being surprised, and being the center of attention. You can see why a surprise party was not exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday!)

So today, I went to the gym. I came to work and I am going to work hard. I am going to see my husband and his family tomorrow for dinner. But that’s it. Nothing special. I try not to tell people about it – I never mention it at work, and I don’t expect people to “celebrate” me.

Instead, I want to be sure that I am living the life I want to live. That how I am spending my days is how I want to spend my life. (Thank you, Annie Dillard.)

Some years, I have time for a personal retreat to align my intent with my purpose and values, and figure out how I want to live that out in the next year. Not this year – it’s a busy time, with the academic year starting next week.

But I will take some time for reflection this weekend – not a retreat, just a… review, perhaps.
And tonight, well, tonight I might just have an extra bit of peanut butter ripple ice cream. Because, you know, another year on this planet is nothing to sneeze at.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
~Max Ehrmann, a snippet of the Desiderata

I have always, always loved this…benediction? Poem? I read it at my high school graduation, and even now, when I am in the throes of a panic as I was yesterday, I hear this bit in my head. 

“…no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

And I breathe. 
And remember that yes, the world will keep turning. 
Despite my mini-failures along the way. Despite the actions of our despicable “President” these days, and those who align with his views across the world. 

I don’t know what the plan is, what the end is, what it will all look like. 
That doesn’t mean I stop working, stop advocating for change, stop trying to be a force for good.  
That doesn’t mean that I stick my head in the sand, and just assume that everything can just go on without my contribution.

I do need to keep trying, to do better, to do more.

But I also know that there is a bigger process at work here. One I can contribute to, yes, but something that will continue to unfold when my short time on this planet is done.

So what do I take away from these seemingly contradictory thoughts?

Do good things, add to the positive balance of the Universe.
Actively work against those who aim to advance the negative, the dark.
We can shift the unfolding…we can make a better end.