Left turns and changing direction…

Life is nothing but moments, and every moment is nothing but another culmination of the universe’s incalculable ripples. Out where we can’t see, they’re crossing and merging, bringing toward us new forms and experiences that are almost perfectly unpredictable. ~ David Cain, raptitude.com

So the Universe (or whatever’s out there) has been sending me this message loud and clear recently. 
I am where I am because of a series of events. Some I was able to influence – taking a particular job, or choosing a PhD program, for example. But others – many, many others – were not under my control. As much as I like to think I can influence what other people do and say, I really can’t. And what those other people do and say will – and does – affect my life in ways big and small. 

I am where I am because I choose to be here. But my life is oh so different from how I thought it would end up. So very, very different. 

This has really been in the forefront of my mind recently regarding my personal relationships and especially my marriage. I am not going to get into the gory details, but it’s not what I thought it would be at this point in my life. I’m not sure it is what I want it to be. I’m not sure it’s the best relationship for who I am now. I know that it was the best many years ago when we got married. But the people we are now and the people we were then have evolved and changed in so many ways over the years. And in the process, I am just not sure that we’ve grown in the same direction. 

I cannot believe I am even thinking this. I thought marriage was forever. I knew it was not – that reality often bumped up against fantasy and the bright glow of a newer relationship. But I did not think this would happen to me. 

I don’t know what will happen, but the uncertainty and the constant questioning and the circular thinking my (overactive) brain engages in is tiring. I know I’ll have to address it soon, but not yet. Not just yet. I’m not sure I want to throw that stone in the pond, to generate ripples that will affect not only my life but the lives of many others I love. 

But to think and write about it helps. To process and ponder and think about what life would be like if… and to know that even as I think about that, my projections are going to wholly inaccurate because I cannot predict what other ripples and choices will intersect with mine to shift – yet again – this life that I live. 

What a Monday post. Whew. Onward. Upward. 

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