Few  things  are ever  completely worked  out  among  friends  except patience  and  a slightly deaf ear.     J.  J.

I finally, finally reached out to my old friend. The one I had cut off because of some words that were said, and that could not be taken back, years ago.

I sent a written card. Messy (because honestly, no one can read my writing, no matter how neat I think it looks!) but also allowing me a bit of a panic delay. Over the weekend, all I could think was that I had overstepped, assumed too much, believed that she wanted to have some kind of relationship emerge from the ashes of our old friendship. I dithered and debated about sending an email, saying that if that was the case, to please ignore it and I’d wait to hear from her.

(I didn’t send the email…but I was tempted…)

She texted yesterday, thanking me for the card, saying she would write back, and hoping things are going well for me.

It’s never going to be what it was, but maybe it can be something new.

Being vulnerable sucks. I really stink at it, to be honest.

In friendships, in (some) work relationships, and even in my marriage.

I freak out, step back, and close myself off. I wonder why everyone doesn’t do this. Why I fear this openness, this vulnerability.

It’s not like I had a horrible childhood – far from it!
I had a wonderful childhood with loving parents.
And yet. I fear opening myself up to others. I worry that they will see me for the fraud that I often think I am.

I am working on it. I am trying to trust more. I am trying to be more open, more flexible, more willing to share with those I love.

But good grief, it’s hard. And tiring! And I don’t know whether I’m doing well at it, or if I completely suck. 🙂 I guess I’ll find out – and trying is better than not, right? I’ve always preferred writing my thoughts out – journals, this blog now, even random scraps of paper. Speaking those truths, those thoughts, is… um… challenging to say the least.

I think – I hope? – I am a work in progress.

“One must know what one wants to be.” Émilie du Châtelet

People said: ‘Oh, be yourself at all costs’. But I had found that it was not so easy to know just what one’s self was. It was far easier to want what other people seemed to want and then imagine that the choice was one’s own.
– Marion Milner

From her Oscar acceptance speech, 2019: “If you are at home and you’re sitting on your couch, and you are watching this right now, all I have to say is that this is hard work. I’ve worked hard for a long time,” she said. “It’s not about winning. But what it’s about is not giving up. If you have a dream, fight for it. There’s a discipline for passion, and it’s not about how many times you get rejected or you fall down, or you’re beaten up. It’s about how many times you stand up and are brave, and you keep on going.”
– Lady Gaga

You never know from where you will obtain a bit of insight for the day.
Persistence.
Patience.
Treading your own path, not someone else’s, and recognizing that giving up is not going to get you to your goals.

I had runner’s envy at the gym the last few days.
A new member (I guess?). She’s fast. She’s gorgeous. She is a wonderful runner.

I’m slow. I’m nowhere near gorgeous. And I am a plodder.

But I get out there (or in there, as I am mostly a treadmill runner…) and I do it. Because for me, it’s essential to my mental health.

I am not her, she is not me. I need to run my own race (however slow…).

It’s the same at work.

I just saw someone got funding for a grant that’s similar to what I want to do.
I was initially really, really jealous.

And then I realized, her grant info is now publicly available. I can learn from her success.

My race. Not hers.
My study. Not hers.
My life. Not hers.

I needed this reminder this week – that I am the only one who can build my life. 

I choose to do what I do. 
I choose to put myself out there – teaching, lecturing, submitting manuscripts and grant proposals. 
For someone who is excessively introverted, this constant placing of the self in front of others – sharing what I have created, what I think is so critical and important, is so so hard. 

It is so hard. 

And yet. 

This is the life I want to build. I want the freedom to ask the questions that I want to answer. 
I want what I do to be driven by my passions, not someone else’s. 

This is my life. I only get one. 

If I don’t build it the way I want it, then, well, it’s not going to be a very fulfilling or happy life. 

Putting my work out there for feedback and (often) rejection is hard. 

The alternative, though, is that I would have to cross someone else’s bridge to build my life. 

I get to build this one. It’s a remarkable privilege, to have this freedom, these choices. 

It’s also a remarkable challenge. One that I need to rise to every single day, every single week. 

It’s been a crap week. Monday sucked. Tuesday was great. Wednesday, sucked. Thursday, meh. (It ended better than I thought it would, so that’s something?)

Friday I have more meetings than I thought possible. 
BUT. 

Then, for two days, my time is completely my own. I need this weekend to reset, recalibrate. 

I am so, so grateful for the privilege, the opportunity to build this life, this bridge, for myself.