One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began…
~Mary Oliver, “The Journey”
Of all of my favorites among Mary Oliver’s poems, this might be the top one.
This poem speaks to me, and makes me think just how much has shifted in the past year. What was 2019 for me? I know that it’s nearly halfway into January, and most people posted these before the New Year, but it’s taken me longer to realize what had changed, and how, and … why.
2019 was a year of growth for me. A year of re-discovering who I am, what I believe, what my values are. A year of getting back to me.
I’ve alluded to the fact that the past 8 years have been some of the most difficult of my life. And they have. But last year was when everything finally came together for me. When I realized that I had moved so far from who I am that I no longer recognized myself.
2019 was the year I became me again. It was the year that I remembered that who I am is not defined by my roles, responsibilities, or how other people view me. I am my beliefs, my choices, my values. How I choose to spend my time, and where, and with whom. Being true to myself in all ways, every day.
I started reading again, often more than one book at once. I grew relationships with some of the most important people and mentors in my life. I found my tribe at work. I reached out to people with whom I had lost touch. Some of them are back in my life.. others never responded. But I reached out, when in the past I would have retreated into myself.
2019 was the year that I focused on what brings me joy, and peace, and contentment. 2019 was also the year that I remembered just how much I care about social justice, women’s rights, reproductive rights, children’s health, and so many other things that had gotten lost in the weeds of the past 8 years.
2019 was the year of deepening my relationship with my parents, and with my father, especially. It was a year of health challenges for me and others I love. It was a year in which we triumphed over those challenges, and met the new ones head on. It was a year in which I remembered the importance of the family you have… whatever joys and challenges they may bring.
2019 was the year that I remembered just how happy it makes me to make others happy. The joy of doing a favor for someone but not expecting anything in return. The peace of immersing myself in something that takes all of my attention, whether it’s painting (a new one!) or baking or reading (old favorites).
And 2019 was the year that I came to some of the hardest decisions of my life, and made some very difficult choices. I did things I have never done before and hope that I never have to do again. I heard words from people I love that I never want to hear again.
2019 was the year that I realized that being spiritual does not mean being religious. It was the year I embraced stoicism and moved more fully into becoming who I want to be. It was the year I realized I am only in control of me, and that my efforts to control and change others are (spoiler alert) likely not going to work. And that when others won’t change, perhaps it’s time for a new path, a new choice, another decision.
So what will 2020 bring? My word of the year is strong, and my intention is to truly be ME in every aspect of my life. That will require strength, in so many ways. I see more growth ahead, more change… and more joy.
