The more we worry, the more worry becomes habitual…our repetitive concerns have the potential to become the soundtrack of our lives. Calm Challenge 2019 – Day 19 meditation – Tamara Levitt, Calm.com

Because it’s a funny thing about our ability to project the future. You have complete choice. You can see all life leading inevitably to darkness & despair as equally as you can pop up every morning ready to welcome everything as new adventure when it comes along. Brian Andreas, flyingedna.com

This is a bit of a departure for me, from what I typically write here. But it’s been a good week so far, and it’s only Wednesday. And I wanted to remember to celebrate the wins, because when I’m in the weeds, it can be so hard to remember that hey! sometimes (well, actually, a lot of the time…) life goes pretty well!

Monday, I heard that a student I worked with on an independent study last summer got a job, in town, in her most-wanted location.

Tuesday, I learned that another student with whom I worked on an independent study got into a wonderful master’s program.

And this morning (Wednesday), I learned that another student, from the distant past, had a beautiful baby girl recently, and that’s why she hadn’t been emailing. 🙂

I had a wonderful run this morning. My longest in months. I felt fabulous.

I had Indian food and good conversation with a colleague – and, perhaps, a new friend? – yesterday.

It’s been sunny. And warmer. I get to see my dog this weekend.

I heard birds on my way to the bus this morning, while I also soaked in the beautiful, hazy, full moon.

And yes, it’s almost spring.

This week is good. I need to remember that, when the not-as-good weeks come.

https://www.lifeisgood.com/

Few  things  are ever  completely worked  out  among  friends  except patience  and  a slightly deaf ear.     J.  J.

I finally, finally reached out to my old friend. The one I had cut off because of some words that were said, and that could not be taken back, years ago.

I sent a written card. Messy (because honestly, no one can read my writing, no matter how neat I think it looks!) but also allowing me a bit of a panic delay. Over the weekend, all I could think was that I had overstepped, assumed too much, believed that she wanted to have some kind of relationship emerge from the ashes of our old friendship. I dithered and debated about sending an email, saying that if that was the case, to please ignore it and I’d wait to hear from her.

(I didn’t send the email…but I was tempted…)

She texted yesterday, thanking me for the card, saying she would write back, and hoping things are going well for me.

It’s never going to be what it was, but maybe it can be something new.

Being vulnerable sucks. I really stink at it, to be honest.

In friendships, in (some) work relationships, and even in my marriage.

I freak out, step back, and close myself off. I wonder why everyone doesn’t do this. Why I fear this openness, this vulnerability.

It’s not like I had a horrible childhood – far from it!
I had a wonderful childhood with loving parents.
And yet. I fear opening myself up to others. I worry that they will see me for the fraud that I often think I am.

I am working on it. I am trying to trust more. I am trying to be more open, more flexible, more willing to share with those I love.

But good grief, it’s hard. And tiring! And I don’t know whether I’m doing well at it, or if I completely suck. 🙂 I guess I’ll find out – and trying is better than not, right? I’ve always preferred writing my thoughts out – journals, this blog now, even random scraps of paper. Speaking those truths, those thoughts, is… um… challenging to say the least.

I think – I hope? – I am a work in progress.

“One must know what one wants to be.” Émilie du Châtelet

People said: ‘Oh, be yourself at all costs’. But I had found that it was not so easy to know just what one’s self was. It was far easier to want what other people seemed to want and then imagine that the choice was one’s own.
– Marion Milner

From her Oscar acceptance speech, 2019: “If you are at home and you’re sitting on your couch, and you are watching this right now, all I have to say is that this is hard work. I’ve worked hard for a long time,” she said. “It’s not about winning. But what it’s about is not giving up. If you have a dream, fight for it. There’s a discipline for passion, and it’s not about how many times you get rejected or you fall down, or you’re beaten up. It’s about how many times you stand up and are brave, and you keep on going.”
– Lady Gaga

You never know from where you will obtain a bit of insight for the day.
Persistence.
Patience.
Treading your own path, not someone else’s, and recognizing that giving up is not going to get you to your goals.

I had runner’s envy at the gym the last few days.
A new member (I guess?). She’s fast. She’s gorgeous. She is a wonderful runner.

I’m slow. I’m nowhere near gorgeous. And I am a plodder.

But I get out there (or in there, as I am mostly a treadmill runner…) and I do it. Because for me, it’s essential to my mental health.

I am not her, she is not me. I need to run my own race (however slow…).

It’s the same at work.

I just saw someone got funding for a grant that’s similar to what I want to do.
I was initially really, really jealous.

And then I realized, her grant info is now publicly available. I can learn from her success.

My race. Not hers.
My study. Not hers.
My life. Not hers.