I was doing a Calm Challenge meditation on self-forgiveness this morning, and identified one of my past professional and personal failures as what I really need to forgive myself for. One of the elements was identifying what led to what you needed to forgive yourself for. That’s a hideously constructed sentence, but what it boiled down to for me was, what led to the decision to leave a job that (in hindsight) was a reasonably good fit for me, take a job halfway across the country, move my family, and cry the whole way there because I thought I might be making a mistake? It turns out that it was… fear of failure.

The reason I left that job was because I kept getting recommendations from senior faculty to delay my tenure case. My whole professional life, since I started my PhD, tenure had been the goal. I wanted to do research and work in academia- the setting where I have always felt most comfortable, most at home. And here were the experts telling me that I wasn’t there yet. That I was not meeting the benchmarks that kept evolving over time. And I was terrified at the idea of failing at my main professional goal.

That fear of failure led to me, essentially, choosing to run away. To a city, a job, and a life that was not for me. Not for us. In the process, I nearly lost my marriage, my professional identity, and any self-confidence that I had built up (slooowllly) over a long period of time.

And yet. Looking back now. I made the (bad) choice. We moved. I tried the new job. I hated it. I hated the city. I disliked being so close to my family again. I wanted to be back in the plains, fields, and rolling bluffs of the Midwest. I was so desperate to get out, once I got in, that it was almost comical. Talk about a wake up call.

And now, now I know. I know that I had to fail in that other position to get where I am today. I had to leave what I thought was an ideal situation to find one that’s an even better fit. I had to leave a place I loved – a place I thought I’d be forever – to realize that maybe I should try to spend forever somewhere else.

If I hadn’t made that choice? If I hadn’t failed? I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be as focused, as productive, and as happy as I am today.

I now, finally, can see that horrible choice – that misstep – as an opportunity to hit the reset button. To, as the quote says, begin again, this time, more intelligently. I know myself better now. I think my marriage is starting to recover. And I am happy. I also know that “forever” might not be the best option – and that’s okay! I might leave here someday, for another opportunity. But I also know that when and if I do, it will not be because I feared failure. It will be because I see another, better opportunity elsewhere. A better fit. And that’s amazing.

Hard lessons? Absolutely. But necessary ones.

I was all set to write about how Per Aspera Ad Astra is my phrase of the year – to with “seek”, my word of the year. While I don’t think I have necessarily navigated hardship, as the phrase indicates, this speaks to me because of the shift from the negative, the hardships (to whatever degree we all face them) and the shift to reaching for the stars. Moving towards the positive – finding the good and celebrating it.

It’s astonishing how, when you land on an idea or word or thought that becomes your guide / intention, how you start to see it everywhere.

And, in honor of Mary Oliver, who died yesterday (1/17/2019), I realized that one of her poems speaks directly to this intention of mine for 2019. What better way to honor her and celebrate her, than to read and savor these words? She brought so much light into the world – I can only hope that I am able to reflect just a tiny bit of it in my own life.

2018 turned out to be a pretty darn good year. Looking back, and reading all of the end-of-year surveys and comprehensive lists of what people did / read / experienced, I realized that my 2018 was right up there in the good ones.

• I started a job that I really, really love, in a location that I enjoy more everyday. 
• I did not move. This is HUGE for me, as I have moved more times than I can count in my adult life. Seriously, I needed extra pages for my FBI background checks for different jobs. 
• I got rid of a lot of clutter and crap. Cleaning out feels so good – and holding on to things “just in case” or because of a vague memory, well, I found out that does not work for me. And that’s okay!
• Donated a lot of that stuff (which was actually in pretty good shape, not “crap”…) 
• Made some work friends. Some of whom might, eventually, become out-of-work friends. 
• Read.  A lot. I actually set a Goodreads goal for 2019 of 20 books – my first reading challenge! – and I really hope I blow it out of the water. Of course, that means that I have to actually record the books I read! 
• Journaled. A lot. 
• Started this blog. 
• Kept connecting in unexpected ways with others. 
• Meditated nearly every day (she writes, on a day she did not meditate…). 
• Put my TV in the closet. 
• Submitted a really big grant. 
• Went to Maine for 2 weeks. 
• Went to Hawaii for 8 days. 
• Saw my parents twice, as well as my extra-parents. 
• Napped more than I have. 
• Tried a bunch of new things – Pilates, new foods – and enjoyed most of them. 
• Started my journey back to being me.