Self-compassion

August 24, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

I wasn’t going to write today, but then Jamie Varon (https://www.jamievaron.com/) sent out one of her fabulous Friday letters that I read this morning (yes, Saturday morning) and it had this gem in it:

“Why do I still have to justify being tired or needing a break by recounting how much I’ve done in the past week, two weeks, month? Even though I know the restorative power of rest, why is it still so difficult to recognize when enough is enough for me?”

followed by this:

“The part of caring for myself that has continually been difficult for me is admitting that I have limits. That I am human.”

I think she was in my brain. No, seriously. I have Steph to thank for making me aware of Jamie’s writing, and I am ever grateful. Her Friday letters speak to me so clearly, and most weeks, I completely agree with what she writes.

This week was no exception.

Simply put, I suck at taking time for myself. I must be busy busy busy busy… and if I stop, it’s only because I am sick, exhausted, or recovering from something like, you know, a colonoscopy. (Fun!)

Regularly resting because it’s healthy? Ha. As if.

Taking time for myself because I need that to be my best self? Not so much.

I know that it’s a combination of my personality and my job… and I truly love my job, so that’s not going to change. But I am working so hard on remembering to step away, to step back, to rest. Regularly. I cannot be productive and succeed the way I want to if I am completely burned out. I need to rest my body and brain. But oh, it is so hard. And I’ve hit the wall in the past, and it hasn’t been pretty, but I still have not learned.

I am still trying, though. Not necessarily succeeding, mind you, but I’m trying.

I am human. I can only do so much. I need to breathe. I need to take breaks. That doesn’t make me less than, it makes me a person.

Pensive…

August 23, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

I am a chronic overthinker.

Turn off my brain? Ha. Not going to happen.

I’m trying to get better – I have tried meditating for years now and it’s starting to finally stick. At least a little bit.

It’s hard for others to understand how my mind is constantly active. How I can never really turn it off. I wake up in the middle of the night…thinking. I get on the treadmill… thinking. I am in the shower, cooking, baking, working… thinking.

I do get immersed in my work and in reading and that helps – probably why I do those two things so much!

But it can be exhausting. Sometimes I just want to find the off switch and have my mind be, well, blank for a bit. But that’s not going to happen.

So instead, I need to find my own version of Dumbledore’s penseive. I need to figure out where and when my mind calms. Being in nature helps. Concentrating helps. New experiences help. Hiking definitely helps.

And now I need to find time to do those things. To get out more, to hike more, to disconnect more. I need to give my brain a break.

I am working on my half-day trip list. This weekend, I am staying in town but I plan to hit up a new used book store that is having a massive sale and my favorite thrift shop, to see what has come in as the summer ends and people clean out, again.

I wish I could just pull thoughts out through my temple with my wand.. but until that miracle happens, this will have to suffice.

Happy Friday! Off to overthink my way through another workday. Ha.

Roads / Diverge

August 21, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

I don’t know who took this picture. But I love this street sign art in front of the Madison Children’s Museum. I particularly love the signs that say “Roads / Diverge”, and “Should I Stay / Or should I go”.

What a wonderful thinking piece…and a reminder to me today that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I have said this before, but something that has become abundantly clear to me this summer is that many, many things in life evolve. But at the core? they don’t change.

For me, this is most evident in relationships.

No matter how much I say I wanted to move away from my parents and my childhood home, I still love them more than anything, and love spending time with them. Except for a few brief adolescent angsty years, that hasn’t changed.

I still think my brother is hilarious and love spending time with him – granted, not ALL of my time, but we have so much in common and really do enjoy each others’ company.

(Side note: I also realized that my nerdlike tendencies are definitely genetic, as my parents, brother, and I worked nonstop on crossword puzzles while we were on vacation this summer…)

My sister in law still drives me crazy. Interspersed with episodes of really enjoying her company.

Old friendships may evolve, but at the core? that love, that history, that persistence over time supports continuing, changing relationships.

and for my marriage… I am having the same daunting thoughts I had a year ago. I thought the other night about the idea of “circling back” to the same concerns, the same thoughts, the same challenges. And I realized that yes, the more things change – or even, the more I say I will try to change them- the more they stay the same. Sweeping concerns and questions under the rug just doesn’t work. They’ll creep out eventually.

One more constant for me? The academic year. Every year in August I get so excited for the start of another year. For the students to be back on campus. To get things started! and every year I am overwhelmed by all I have to do in a short period of time. No matter how many times I teach a class, I still need to update it. I still need to set up lectures. I still need to think about these things. And I love it. I love the rhythm of it, the frantic energy, and then finally getting to the first day of class and realizing it’s all going to be okay.

I love constancy… but I also love change within those persistent elements and relationships of life. What will come next? Who knows… I guess it’s time to see where the roads diverge and lead…

Things I know

August 20, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

Well, really, this should be titled “things I know about myself”. Because honestly, I make no claim that I know lots of stuff. But I do know me… at least, the me that I am right now. And on that note, here’s what I know:

If given the chance (it’s safe, the light isn’t going to change for a long time, I want to get where I am going…), I will always, always jaywalk. You can take the girl out of West Philly but you can’t take away her impressive jaywalking abilities.
I am a morning person. But I worked straight night shifts for years and actually loved it. In “real life”, I love the morning because so few people are up and around. It was the same on night shift in the ICU. That’s when the docs tried to sleep, and so did the parents. Nurses had autonomy that we simply didn’t have during the day when so many other people around making decisions.
I get up ridiculously early. As in, it’s kind of embarrassing and I’m not going to share the exact time. But I have done this for years. I get 6.5+ hours of sleep a night, which is perfect for me. (Not for you! but for me, yes) And what I don’t get is that it’s perfectly acceptable to sleep from midnight to 6 am, but shift that a few hours earlier? and people think you’re the weirdest person to ever walk the face of the earth.
I love to read. And this summer I have been in a bit of a rut, reading fluff. I’m starting to add a few non-fluff books back in and I’m reminded of why I actually like them. I think my brain just needed a break, to be honest.
I love what I do, but right now I have the most education and experience I have ever had, I am working the most I ever have (and I do love it) and I am making less money than I did when I had my entry-level degree and was working shift work. I can’t say this is the smallest salary I’ve ever earned (I had fellowships in graduate school that put me – if I had been single – just above the poverty line… fortunately the health insurance was fantastic…).
I love to travel, but prepping for travel seriously stresses me out. As does worrying about what will happen en route or when I get there. But when I do get there, and everything is fine? I love it. But I also love my routine. Balance, I guess. And fortunately I don’t get the opportunity to travel that much. 😉

OK, enough for today. But six things about me that I know are true. Oh! One more – inspired by the dozens of cupcakes left over from our “welcome back” picnic yesterday.

I really hate forced social interactions (see “welcome back” picnic). I like my coworkers but I don’t want to be forced to interact with them in a situation that never feels normal. So I skipped out, for the third year. Now to see if anyone says anything…

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. ~Aristotle

Left turns and changing direction…

August 19, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

Life is nothing but moments, and every moment is nothing but another culmination of the universe’s incalculable ripples. Out where we can’t see, they’re crossing and merging, bringing toward us new forms and experiences that are almost perfectly unpredictable. ~ David Cain, raptitude.com

So the Universe (or whatever’s out there) has been sending me this message loud and clear recently.

I am where I am because of a series of events. Some I was able to influence – taking a particular job, or choosing a PhD program, for example. But others – many, many others – were not under my control. As much as I like to think I can influence what other people do and say, I really can’t. And what those other people do and say will – and does – affect my life in ways big and small.

I am where I am because I choose to be here. But my life is oh so different from how I thought it would end up. So very, very different.

This has really been in the forefront of my mind recently regarding my personal relationships and especially my marriage. I am not going to get into the gory details, but it’s not what I thought it would be at this point in my life. I’m not sure it is what I want it to be. I’m not sure it’s the best relationship for who I am now. I know that it was the best many years ago when we got married. But the people we are now and the people we were then have evolved and changed in so many ways over the years. And in the process, I am just not sure that we’ve grown in the same direction.

I cannot believe I am even thinking this. I thought marriage was forever. I knew it was not – that reality often bumped up against fantasy and the bright glow of a newer relationship. But I did not think this would happen to me.

I don’t know what will happen, but the uncertainty and the constant questioning and the circular thinking my (overactive) brain engages in is tiring. I know I’ll have to address it soon, but not yet. Not just yet. I’m not sure I want to throw that stone in the pond, to generate ripples that will affect not only my life but the lives of many others I love.

But to think and write about it helps. To process and ponder and think about what life would be like if… and to know that even as I think about that, my projections are going to wholly inaccurate because I cannot predict what other ripples and choices will intersect with mine to shift – yet again – this life that I live.

What a Monday post. Whew. Onward. Upward.