Hard reset

October 10, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don’t help.

Bill Watterson

Wow. This week has been unbelievably difficult. I’m so glad I finally made it to Thursday, although there were times yesterday when that was in question. I did not stop from 7:30 (really, 6 am) until 4:30. I was completely fried at the end of the day, questioning my career path, my knowledge, and who I’ve become professionally. It was the kind of day that completely destroys your self-esteem, your confidence in yourself and your ability to stand up for yourself.

Most embarrassing, I dumped on several colleagues who I respect highly, whose opinions I value, and I worry that dumping on them may have diminished me in some way in their eyes. I am on a grant deadline, it’s not quite coming together the way I want it to, and it’s just…frustrating. So. Damn. Frustrating. I need to email them and apologize for dumping on them, but… who knows how they’ll receive that. Still, it’s what I feel like I need to do.

I know what I want to say – I know what I need to say – but my words have been muddied by too much input from others. I need to reclaim what I plan to do – to own it, to hone down my writing to the key points that I need to make. I know I need to do this – it’s just the doing that’s hard.

Fortunately, I got some sleep last night. I disconnected for a while. And I’m ready to get back to it today. Here’s to a better day.

Dear You

October 7, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

What if you closed your eyes?
Would the world fall
apart without you?
Or would your mind
become the open sky
flock of thoughts
flying across the sunrise
as you just watched and smiled.
~ From “Dear You”, by Kaveri Patel

I managed to unearth the above verse (and the entire poem) when searching for poems about stillness to share with my class last week. I never did share it – it was quite the discussion – but I love this poem, and it turns out that I love this poet. She’s a poet and healer – a medical doctor who writes poetry and leads compassion retreats. What a wonderful combination, and one that speaks to me as a scientist and health care provider.

These next few weeks are going to be insane, on the personal and professional fronts. I have a grant due in 2 weeks. I’m in the middle of a long-running argument with my spouse. I have multiple guest lectures.

But I also know that the world will not fall apart without me. It will get done. I don’t have to do it all at once. And even more important, I need to remember to close my eyes periodically, or nothing will get done. Rest and disconnection are just as important to my productivity and mental health as putting in the work. Yes, I’m going to work hard. Yes, it will likely suck in multiple ways. But I’ll get through. As long as I remember to close my eyes.

Changes…seasonal and otherwise…

October 4, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

This week, fall came.

Literally overnight. It was 80+ and swampy outside on Monday. This morning, I lamented the fact that I did not have my gloves and scarf (admittedly, I like to wear these earlier than most thanks to some circulation problems I have…). In a week, I’ve gone from long-sleeved t-shirts to fleece.

And of course I sense that there are changes coming in other areas of my life. My father’s having some relatively major medical issues. My parents are cleaning out their house. I’m contemplating where I am in my relationship and whether that has as much of a future as I thought. I am continuing to clean out my apartment, donating items that I no longer use or want.

I love stability, but sometimes shaking it up (well, except for the medical issues) is so needed. Deep cleaning, reconsidering where we are in life, our habits, expectations, and routines.

I know that some elements of my life will not change, but… it certainly seems like others will. Here’s to seeing what’s over the horizon as autumn shifts to winter… but hopefully not next week.

Image result for quotes starting over in the fall

Chaos, peace, and reason

October 3, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

This is sort of a statement about my current perspective on our world, and particularly our own “president” and the unfolding impeachment saga.

But it’s also about the chaos in my own life and my need for peace and reason. It’s an insane time of year for me – the nuttiest month in my year, with grants due, teaching, guest lectures, and other responsibilities (that I want!) being added to my plate.

It’s a lot.

And with all the outside chaos, I really need and want peace and reason at home. And I have that – in my own space. But in my relationship, I don’t have that. I have chaos in my personal life that quite frankly I don’t want or need right now.

So I’m seeking peace… and hoping to find it. I know that I’ll make it through the month work-wise. That’s kind of non-negotiable. But having to navigate the personal chaos in addition to that is a lot.

Hoping to gain some peace the next few days, as hopefully a few things come to a resolution, whatever that is.

Moving through

September 27, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

If you knew how hard it would be and how long it would take in the beginning then you might not try in the first place. You can’t guarantee success, but you can guarantee failure: never try. ~David Cain

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs personally and professionally in the last few weeks. Great days at work followed by those that make me question what the heck I am doing. Great conversations and get togethers with people… only to be followed by long periods of silence during which I fret about what I did or said to turn the other person away.

I’m trying to remember that patience will pay off. I need to persist to succeed. But sometimes it’s tiring. Sometimes I want to step off the treadmill – of grant submission after grant submission, meeting after meeting, constant worry about my relationships and how others perceive me. Sometimes, I’d give almost anything to just get away from it all, go way up north where no one knows me, and no one knows how to find me, and just… be.

And then I remember that for right now, I have to be in the trenches. I need to persist, see these things through…and that the time for rest will come. Sometimes the only way out, is through.