Comfortable and familiar

September 19, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

Sometimes, I just want a break from evolving and changing.

Sometimes it’s the comfortable, the familiar, that is what I need more.

I think our constant focus these days on growth, self-awareness, challenging ourselves…sometimes, we just need a break. And that’s okay. It’s okay to turn to the familiar and comforting when change gets scary, when it all becomes too overwhelming, too much.

Sometimes there are too many changes in too many facets of our lives. And you know what? Stepping away – just for a bit, not forever – can be the best way to move forward.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking that may wind up changing my life substantially.

And that means that I have been seeking comfort – in old, favorite foods. In comfy clothes. In being around people who make comfortable, situations I prefer.

I’ll keep growing, keep changing… but I’m still going to turn to the familiar to help nourish that growth.

Horizons of Expectations

September 18, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

This is totally not life-related, but in a reading for one of my classes that I teach, the phrase “horizons of expectations” appears. And I read it, and was completely taken aback.

It made me think… do I have horizons for my expectations? Horizons are boundaries, limits… but I suppose they could also be seen as a line of infinite possibilities. Horizons are what we see when we gaze out from where we are now. What happens if we move towards those horizons, and new ones open up? The thing with horizons is that they are ever-changing, depending on where you are. Move towards them, and… they move farther away.

But if I don’t move towards those horizons… if I limit my movements to the current view, the current horizon? Am I not giving myself the chance to achieve more? Have I built walls around my dreams?

And what could I do if I expanded those horizons… if I knocked down those walls?

Evolution

September 16, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long, but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our feet, and learn to be at home.

— Wendell Berry

I had dinner with an old friend and her husband on Saturday.

It was wonderful to see them. I had, well, stepped away from this particular friendship after the election, and I let that distance grow too big, and last too long.

At the same time, there were reasons for my distance, and I wasn’t ready to bridge that gap until recently. So we took advantage of briefly being in the same time zone to meet up.

It was so good to catch up, to find out how they have been and what they have been up to.

It was also an eye opening experience for me.

I’ve been on a journey of self-evolution and change the last few years. It’s affected my relationships, my jobs, and above all my sense of who I am.

I know there are threads that remain consistent, yet I also know that I am not who I was 10 years ago, let alone 40 (this is a very long friendship… :>).

As I sat there watching them across the booth in the restaurant, I realized a couple of things… first, they both remember what she ate on their second date. That was … well, goodness. I think that was 1995. (Wow I am old) So 24 years? I honestly barely remember where I even went on my second date with my husband – it all blurs together as the years pass and the individual events become less important in the grand scheme of things.

The other thing I realized is that they both still have the same haircuts and glasses as they did when they got married. 20 years ago.

I am all for consistency and recognize that certain things never change about people. (I’m also for frugality, and yes, glasses are not cheap, but… 20 years?) But. Part of me wondered whether this pointed to an overall tendency in them to, well, cling to the past. To the way things were. And whether that might not also be contributing to the space between us – that I was changing, and that is hard for others to fathom, to understand, and to accept.

I love when there are things in my life that I know won’t change. My parents, for example, are very, very consistent people. And yet. They change and evolve, too. They adapt, and grow, and have shifted their beliefs and their approach to life as the world around them has changed.

I wonder if this might be driving some of my challenges with my husband, too. But that’s a topic for another day – and probably more for my private journal than for airing here.

I know my evolution is continuing…and I know that will be hard for some people to accept. But we’ll get there.

Embracing the shifts, the changes, who I am now, vs. who I was…

Spinning

September 11, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

As in, my head was spinning yesterday morning from my idiocy and just an all around off morning. Good grief. (I know, I sound like Charlie Brown, but … it’s the perfect phrase for this…).

My morning included messing up formatting (formatting!) on a proposal document, realizing at 10:30 am that my fly was down all morning, and having a sore arm from my shots the previous day.

And then this morning I remembered…as we are all remembering today.

The clear, cloudless sky and the day that things changed forever.

I remember it especially because it was a pivotal week in my life – for many reasons – and because I started the job later that fall that led me down the path I am on now.

The reason I got that job was linked to what happened 18 years ago today. I will never forget that – for my own personal reasons. I know no one else who lived through it will ever forget it either.

It stuns me that the students who are first-years this year were born either that year or the year after, and that they have no memories other than what they have been told and what they have seen through the years.

Time marches on. We get caught up in the pettiness of our everyday lives, annoyed at ourselves for screwing up formatting, or forgetting to zip our fly… and then we are brought up short, remembering how in an instant, life can change.

The formatting doesn’t matter.
The wardrobe dysfunction doesn’t matter.
Not in the grand scheme of things.

I needed that reminder – that I am a small (very, very small) cog in the wheels of the universe. That I have the power to put the positive, the good, the light into the world with every breath…

Time to make the choice for today. I choose light. I hope you do, as well.

Like a thunderclap…

September 10, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

Talk about an overused and trite analogy, but sometimes they are overused because, well, they’re true.

We had the loudest thunderstorm I think I have ever heard last night. It woke me up out of a sound sleep at 11:45, and I did not get back to sleep for an hour. I thought it hit right above my apartment. Fortunately, the power only blipped off and on and my computer and phone did not fry (whew). But goodness.

And it made me think about some of the realizations that I have had recently… the ones that have come out of the blue.

The voice I hear that says “you need to do this”. The realization that if I am not happy in a relationship, then maybe it’s not worth pursuing or keeping up the relationship. I spend so much time (as I said in yesterday’s post) dithering and seeking answers outside of me, and sometimes…sometimes the answers come so suddenly.

Is that because I have been seeking for so long? Or is it because the universe just gets fed up with my dithering and just wants me to get on with it?

Whatever it is… sometimes what I need in life is a wake up call.

Fall, winter – they’re supposed to be the settling-in seasons. The cozy ones, full of family and friends and traditions.

And I can’t help but think that my fall and winter are going to be seasons of change.